I remember lying in my bed thinking to myself - how does it feel to lose a loved one again, to experience the kind of pain and sadness that physically hurts and drains you. If you know me in real life you might know that I lost my dad at a young age, and yet, these many years later it still hurts the same. So how will it be, losing someone dear to me, again?
Losing my dad was the first ever loss I'd experienced, being 7 at the time. There was no way I could've prepared myself or for me to be able to console myself about what was about to happen. Now, aged 22, I still feel the same. All those years, and dear ones lost, I thought I was well prepared. I know how it felt so I'll know how it feels and therefore I'll be prepared.
There's no way I could've known, or felt, let alone prepared myself for today. How on earth did I think I would be 'okay' with losing someone, whose home was my home, whose room was my room, whose food was my food, whose family was my family?
May 18, 08:48
That was when I heard the news. I cannot even begin to think of imagining how I felt. I was shaking with my eyes withered with tears. I kept scrolling on my phone thinking no, no, no. I read messages from my family and every single one burned a hole in my heart.
What's been on my head is how we face things that we could not possibly understand. It sucks and it feels like somebody's holding my head under water, you know? Me crying I can't breathe, and them telling me to swallow nonetheless.
I have no choice but to collect all the broken pieces of patience, courage and energy I have regarding to this big loss.
I keep on imagining her being there- the one place she has lived since she was young. A happy person, doing things she loved doing. Cooking for her grandkids, pearls of sweat sliding onto her cheeks, yet with the biggest smile. I remember her as a woman who remembers everyone's favourite food, who took me to school, who smiles and laughs and jokes with me. As a woman who loves those who matter beyond any means. She is going to forever remind me of how much love she can offer.
Realising that yet another person will not be here for important milestones in my life pains me as this will be an unfinished dream that will linger in my heart.
What's left now is the letting go. It is never easy to adapt to a new reality, you know? Since 7 years old, I have come to understand why people pass on. I concluded that it's an indication that they have completed their purpose in life, that they were here and that it was enough. She has given beauty to my life and to those who knew her. My grandma was given a purpose in life for herself and for everyone else she has touched.
We love you and miss you, Oma.